Ah, one of the greatest tragedies of all time: You find Mr. Right, but hes all kinds of wrong in the sack. The only problem with this particular tragedy is were not prepared for it.
Like most self-respecting Americans, I let the media be my guide for everything. For the most part, the media hasaccurately told me what to expectinevery phaseof life.
Before I went to middle school, I knew I’d be dealing with puberty, my first crush and cliquey girls. Before I went to high school, I knew to expect homecoming, prom and my first drink. Before I went to college, I knew to expect Greek life, hot professors and hungover brunches with roommates.
So I had no reason to believe the media would be wrong about my sex life.
Every television and movie out there says if Im with the right person, the sex will always be great.
Allie and Noah from “The Notebook” didnt fall madly and deeply in love, only to find that Noah had a micropenis. When Carrie and Burger had sex for the first time on “Sex and the City,” sure, it was a little awkward, but then it got AWESOME. On “Friends,” Rachel managed to have good sex with ROSS. Even Summer Roberts and nerdy Seth Cohen from “The OC” managed to have some crazy hot sex.
Rule of thumb in film and television: If you are having sex with Mr. Right, that sex will be fantastic. Only giant douches — like Jon Hamms character in that awkward first sex scene in “Bridesmaids” — are bad in bed.
But in this case, the media failed me. The fact of the matter is, I’ve learned first-hand that a guy can be great. He can buy flowers and be so hilarious and nice and super hot.
He can be all this — and also absolutely f*cking terrible in bed.
A while back, I met a great guy at a bar. We started chatting, and the banter was great right off the bat. Plus, he was hot. I mean, super hot. Like, hottest-guy-Ive-ever-been-with hot.
We had one of those first dates that feelslike magic. He texted me immediately after to askwhen he could see me again, and I got butterflies in the pit of my stomach, the way youre supposed to when you really, really like someone.
So we kept dating. He took me to great restaurants and fun bars and would do those little adorable things like hold my hand while we were driving, text me Sleep tight and call me babe — you know, the things youfind repulsive unless you’re actually extremely into somebody.
On our fifth date,the sexual tension was palpable. We hadnt been ~intimate~ yet, and I just knew that tonight was going to be the night. He held my hand as we walked back to his apartment and even just locking our fingers felt electric. This was going to be great.
We started fooling around and, around 30underwhelming seconds later, it was over.
I would call them the most awkward 30seconds of my life, but that would be leaving out theseveral other 30-second encounters we hadfor weeks and weeks after this.
I just wasnt ready to give up on this guy. It didnt make sense! A hot guy I was insanely attracted to — who also happenedto be one of the nicest, best guys I have ever been with — just CANNOT be bad in bed.
And if he is, what does that even mean? Is that thebe-all and end-all? Would I be shallow for ending such a good thing over this?
This had to be a Carrie-and-Burger-type situation, in that it got better with time. He was just nervous, I was just nervous, and the previous bad experiences made everything even more awkward than they already were. That must have been it, right?
That wasnt it. I tried. I really did. I wanted it to work. Why wouldnt I? I had a shot at something great.
I honestly wouldnt consider myself a hypersexual being. But who doesnt like a good pork (yes, pork)?
The only thing that separates your romantic relationships from your other relationshipsis the presence of sex.AndI can promise you thatif the sex is bad, you will notbe doing a whole lot of it. So you might as well just give up and be friends.
Heres the truth that the movies never show us: Sometimes, biology just doesnt want two people to be together, no matter how great the banteris orstrongthe sexual tension.
Sure, you can give it time — and for lots of people, thats enough — but, to put it simply, all the quippy conversation and physical attraction in the world wont change a mediocre dick.