Another week, another useless episode of . Obviously this recap is a little late and its partially because I ran out of wine and I actually cannot write this thing sober. I mean seriously, to all of you who genuinely enjoy this showwhat the fuck is wrong with you? Yall bitches need Jesus. Or like, HBO.
Lets begin now. *pours glass of wine*
KIDNAPPING IS A HABIT, GET LIKE ME
We open to Hanna and Mary Drake cruising down the street in their 64, as they awkwardly try to have a conversation. Hanna, as the kidnapped girl, and Mary Drake as the possible kidnapper. Awkwaaaaard.
Hanna is asking Mary Drake to go take her to her friends and MD is like dont you wanna go to the hospital? The doctor? Can I get you some condoms? Or snacks? God, I just love you so much. Hanna is like, , and MD does because shes a cool kidnapper. Not a regular kidnapper.
Mary Drake is like youre friends with Ali? and Hannas like Knowing things isnt exactly Hannas forte.
She said Ali never mentioned her mom had a twin sister, but like, since when do you sit around your friends and talk about aunts? Like, would that ever come up? You fuckers were so busy blinding people and fucking your teachers that there is no way you had time to review each others family tree.
MD is like Im the family secret. Okay usually the family secret is the special ingredient used in grandmas chili, not a fucking person.
MD is being super fucking weird and honestly Hanna I would roll your hefty ass out of the fucking car at this point.
Hanna gets back to her friends and they are like Hanna go to the doctor and shes like
They fill Hanna in about MD and how Charlotte is her daughter. Hannas like, Shes like, Im like 27 years old, get me off this fucking show.
They tell Hanna about how they sold Ali out to Mary Drake and Hannas like and like, same.
Caleb gives Hanna back her engagement ring to the weird foreign guy Jordan. Shes like, Also, #tbt to Jordan.
Also #tbt, Liam texts Aria and is like on my way! Got great news! Its about to go down.
A.D sends the flowers to the group and is like yay were on the same team. Honestly though, cant even be mad. Did you see that incredible flower arrangement? A.D has great taste.
They go back to Lucas place that they are crashing in, #tbt to Lucas as well. Where did all these dudes go? Is this is the episode of boyfriends past, I mean seriously.
Hanna is being snappy AF and Caleb is following her around like a puppy, much to Spences dismay. They are like Hannas being so aggressive and Im like could you like, chill for a sec? I mean, she did just get kidnapped.
Calebs like you should take Lucas offer to run your own business, which is like, so not the point right now, and shes like Trust me Hanna, we all see it. You dont need to tell me twice.
Hanna is like where does this leave us? Ah yes, the post-kidnapping DTR talk. Hanna is like I felt safe around you and thats why we made out. Buuuuuut, then you got kidnapped like right after, so you clearly werent that safe.
And, of course, Spencer heard the whole thing. Could you guys like, have this talk literally anywhere else? And why are you both talking about cheating in like SCREAMING voices? This is why A has so much dirt on you, you fucking scream out all your damn secrets.
Emily is still worried about Ali and Spencer is like . But Emilys not gonna chill ever, not even in a fire, because she has a big lesbian crush on Ali.
Shes like we should tell Snaggle and Spencer is like Ill tell you what hes not gonna dowrite you a referral to a dentist.
Spencer asks Emily to watch Han because she looks fucking crazy. Well, being kidnapped will do that to ya. Not that I would know. I swear these girls get kidnapped like I get manicuresevery two weeks between 5 and 7pm.
Emily is like do you want to call Jordan? and Hans like So much easier to avoid people when you have the excuse of being in an underground cave and being tortured. Best excuse ever.
Caleb goes to comfort Spencer after getting the brush off from Han, and Spencer is obviously trying to bait him into admitting he still likes Hanna. Its this very uncomfortable, oddly sexual game of cat and mouse.
Caleb compares Hanna to an aircraft carrier because shes got fire power and is hard to maneuver. So, are you saying shes fat?
CALEB: I dont hate you because youre fat. Youre fat because I hate you.
Emily gets a call from an unknown number and its Ali, calling from the hospital. How did Ali know her number by heart? I barely know my moms cell phone number. The only numbers I know by heart is 911 and my bikini waxerin case of emergency.
Alis like and Emilys like can you hear me now? Good and wondering what the fuck is going on. Someone is clearly trying to take the phone away from Ali and its all just a goddam mess. And like, ew, never call me. Ali you could have texted this.
Emily goes to visit the hospital and the nursewho clearly has a tree up her assis like, And Emilys like,
Emilys like Im going to write a letter! Dear Mr. Royal Hampton and demands to see Snaggle about this. Snaggle says they are his instructions and put her in insolation. Hes like ttyl dyke-bike and bounces off to the breakroom to inevitably fuck an intern.
Lucas and Hanna go to lunch and hes like Hanna doesnt want it.
HANNA: Not feeling it
LUCAS: LET ME LOVE YOU
This is def still throwing me off because its so obvious that Lucas is gay AF. Pride month, am I right?
Hes like and shes like Hanna is every girl ever deciding where to eat. Although, Im sure she doesnt have a problem making that decision.
Emilys telling Spencer about Ali and is likeWoah, slow down there, Captain Carpet Muncher. Spencer gets a text from work and ignores it. Thats right, they supposedly have jobs. LOL good one, Freeform.
Emily is like And Spencer is like, Whats Uber A? Does she drive? I prefer Lyft A, just because the rates are cheaper.
SPENCER: Thats a crazy idea
EMILY: Yes, so crazy.so crazy it just might work!
SPENCER: no wtf
Aria dumps Liam and shes like its not you, its me and Ezra boning behind your back. Liams like, super pissed and then reveals that hes gonna be the books editor. LOL that book is gonna be a shit show. Cant wait.
While Hanna is signing papers for Lucas she has a flashback from how she met Jordan. Oh goddammit I hate these stupid as flashbacks. Whatever.
Shes doing work at a bar and hes sitting next to her. Why are you doing work at a bar, first of all? Like, Ive been to New York, there are fucking Starbucks on every corner. Do bars even have Wifi? Maybe like, during happy hour?
She bitches Jordan out for putting his glass on her napkin that has an important number and hes likeHanna its this nifty thing called a fucking notebook. Stop writing shit on napkins you ignorant slut.
She looks like a girl who likes to eat so he offers to buy her food. At first she says no, but they end up having dinner because Hefty Hanna cant resist.
All that thinking about food, I mean, Jordan, makes Hanna suddenly miss him.
Emily, Aria and Spencer go to visit Snaggle about Ali and are like And Snaggle is like
Hes likeand Spencers like Finally, making sense! Yes Spencer! Tell him!!!!!
And, that gets dropped quickly. The one moment of actual logic and they drop it real fucking fast.
They get a text from A.D or A or Uber A or idfk anymore, saying shes mine now! and they are like, This logic is killing me.
ME: I think the witness has made it very clear she was in the shower/at the hospital with Ali.
Hanna shows up to Jordans work looking like some Jessica Rabbit shit and tries to get sexy time on. Jordan just cant seem to forget that shes been ditching him for weeks and Hans like, Hes like
Emily just wont let this Mary Drake getting in the hospital thing go. Spencer is like
SPENCER: Snaggle said it was prohibit-i-babdo. He said it in Spanish, how much clearer can he get? (name that movie)
Emily is like Spencer, you know her super well! You both were labeled as psycho when you were teenagers and put into a mental facility/prison! Besties!!! Spencer is like,
Aria is explaining to Ezra the whole Liam is the editor and is going to fuck us over thing. Aria is likeYeah you def should have, moron.
Ezra and Aria start to hold hands, and Ezra promises to make this whole thing work, but of course good old Liam only sees them holding hands. Hes like fuck it, time to burn this shit to the ground.
He starts editing the book with Ezra and is like there is a problem here. The guy sounds like a sexual predator. HAHAHA. Not gonna lie, I laughed. Score 1 for Liam. Liam basically says that Ezra is the fucking worst, even worse than Nick Sparks. *Plays Ellie Gouldings Burn*
Ezra is like uh they arent close in age. Whatever you gotta tell yourself to get to sleep at night, Ezra. Liam is like look Aria does want this and Ezra is like dont you mean her character? Hes doing that thing where you speak super hypothetically.
LIAM: Hypothetically speaking, I have a friend named AriArianna!anyways, Arianna doesnt want to fuck her English teacher.
Mary Drake comes to visit Spencer at work and is like Im a little concerned about Hanna and she feels bad for not taking her to the police. Spencer straight up grills her. Dude, this woman could literally murder you, why are you being sassy? Know your place.
Mary Drake is like and shes like I was in Radley for a long time. Weird, because she def was at the police station last week when she got robbed. I imagine her ringtone is Fuck Da Police by NWA.
Spencer asks why she was in a mental facility, like willy nilly. MDs like,
Alis mom, Jessica, called Mary and told her that the baby she was babysitting wouldnt stop crying and like, make it stop babies are the worst. When Mary Drake got there, Jessica said she got the baby to sleep and then asked Mary to stay and watch while she went out. Fuckin Jessica.
When the family got home, MD explained what happened but then the mom started to scream and the baby turned out to be dead. Saw that one coming.
Jessica blamed Mary and everyone believed her, so MDs parents locked her up. And you thought you hated your sister. Though if my sister steals another fucking blouse of mine, Im gonna throw that bitch in lockup myself.
Ezra is explaining to Aria about how Liam was so not chill in their editors meeting and Arias like Yeah, passionate about your vagina and the fact that hes not hittin it anymore. Get real.
Ezra is like
Hanna and Jordan go to the bar where they first met and its torn down. Jordans like, and Hannas like
HANNA: EVERYTHING I TOUCH GETS TORN DOWN!!!! I HAVE THE VERY UN-CHILL MIDAS TOUCH!!! DONT YOU GET IT?
JORDAN AND EVERYONE WATCHING: Not really, no. You kinda lost me.
She gives Jordan his ring back, right next to the hotdog vendor that she fosho is going to hit up after this whole ending an engagement thing is over.
Emily is filling out a job application at Radley because shes an unemployed, uneducated college dropout. Of course, MD wanders in, looking lost AF.
Emily goes up to her and introduces herself and offers to sit down and talk. Like, did anyone teach you about talking to strangers? And like, if someone I just met was like lets sit down and talk Id be like I have mace in my purse.
MD starts talking about how she got tenderness in Radley, shes like 2 seconds away from being like you gotta hold, squeeze her, never leave her, ya gotta try a little tenderness! Also, Mary Drake is the queen of TMI. Like, I literally dont care about your sob story.
Emily and MD bring up Ali and MD says shell bring Emily in to see her. Emilys like,
Hanna starts signing away at Lucas paperwork, without a lawyer, and Lucas notices she doesnt have a ringpartially because Hanna holds the paper like, right in front of her face. Couldnt you put it down on the table thats right in front of you and sign it?
Aria is like, And hes like
Hes like this book and everything made me realize what everything means! and shes like pssssh yeah okay big shot, lets see what it means
Hes like, boom! Crushed it. Shes like I cant explain this to you! and hes like
She talks about this magical button that erased everythingkinda like the easy button at Staples, but for pathological liars and murderers.
Shes like I could erase that button, but it would erase the girl she is todaythe lying, conniving, sleeping-with-her-ex-teacher person she is today. And you know what, she likes that person.
Whats with this show and buttons, dude? Last season Ali had a giant ass jar of them in her house. Like dolls and buttonsis this whole show a third graders tea party?
Back to Ali, with Emily now there. Wait, why is it nighttime? Why cant people do things in the day time? Does this town have sunlight ever?
Ali said she was worried she was in Radley and starts crying to MD, like Ali has seen some shit, bro. Shes also like, one flew away from the cuckoos nest, if ya know what Im sayin.
She starts to say that Snaggle is bad and Emilys like, And of course, at that moment Snaggle walks in, yells and bares his fangs as Ali cries and begs Emily not to leave.
Emily is like Snaggle ignores Emily and is like The plan is to infiltrate the dealer, find the suppliers.
MD is like Wait, werent you doing that last season? Like, suddenly youre anti torture? You switch viewpoints more than Donald Trump.
Snaggle says how she has gotten the moneywait, what money?and now she needs to back the fuck up. MD tries to tell him to knock it off and hes like Hes got shitty teeth and his transvestite lover is deadhes got nothing to live for at this point.
Caleb comes to see Spencer drinking scotch, like my grandpa would, and turns out Spencer got fired because she wasnt doing her job. Shes like Well, the funny thing about work is. You like, gotta do it. I know, such a fucked-up system.
Spencer asks Caleb about Hanna and hes like pounding drinks and sweating. And Spencer is like,He swears their love was real and shes like was? Ruh-roh.
Emily see MD and Snaggle arguing more and texts the group saying like shit is going down yall and it seems like they are finally putting the thoughts together that Snaggle might be a bad guy. FUCKING FINALLY. I would have thought that from day one. If one of my friends wanted to marry that bird-looking before picture, I would have disowned them.
A, or Im assuming Snaggle, gives Ali more drugs and she dreams about going towards a white light. Oh shit. Shes now at Kings Cross station, talking to Dumbledore.
Next episode, Jennifer Love Hewitt will be there, resuming her role as the Ghost Whisperer and speaking to Ali.
JENNIFER: Whats that Ali?
*lamp flies to the other side of the room and breaks*
JENNIFER TO LIARS: Ah, yes. Ali said she fucking hates you all for letting her marry that creature.