Welcome back to the lives of these pretty little idiots. Im sufficiently drunk on a fucking Tuesday and I have work tomorrow morning, so lets get this stupid shit over with, shall we?
Hanna and Jordan are having weird 50 Shades of Grey red room sex with budget champagne. Remember last week Hanna got fired from her job and decided to have a mini vacay with Jordy. It better all be on Jordans bill, cause we know that bitch is broke.
Spencer and Aria are in Saras bat cave thing that they found casually in her hotel room. Its literally another fucking building under there and they are just strolling through random rooms.
Okay, who was the engineer in this place? Fucking Steven King? Who keeps part of an insane asylum under a hotel? Im gonna write a letter!
There is a random file cabinet, that when you push it, leads to the outside. Well thats nifty. Spencer and Aria are like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK and everyone at home is like, yup *sips wine* I could have seen this shit coming. So anyways, thats how Sara has been getting in and out of the hotel unnoticed. Doors, so last season.
Spencer goes to Caleb and Caleb shows her the record from Yvonnes familys file. You know, the ones he hacked into last week. Keep up.
Anyway, Spencers mom is apparently really sick and the other candidate has medical records. Uh, is that legal? Im gonna go with a hard no. Apparently other side is going to leak her medical records because if you have any sort of medical issue, youre basically a terrorist and unfit to serve? Fucking Rosewood, man.
My boyfriend and his best friend have taken five minutes out of their regularly scheduled programming of dicking around, to watch this show with me and they are straight up appalled right now. Thats right boys, welcome to this dogshit they call a television show.
Ali is talking to the police chief now. #tbt to when she didnt have grey hair and was 15 pounds lighter.Ali talks like she is having an asthma attack between each word.
ALI: Do (heavy breath) you (heavy breath) know (heavy breath) what (wheezes) happened (pumps inhaler)?
Dr. Snaggle Tooth is there, looking creepier than ever. The police chief tells them that someone from a random ass restaurant called Alis house and charlotte answered. – her fat ass is always at a restaurant.
Spencer, Emily and Aria are talking about Saras hole in the wall and Emily says that they need to tell Ali. Or course Emily, the pussy whipped wonder, wants to tell Ali. They are like what if Ali tries to tell the police? And then they are like, hmmm maybe thats a good idea. Well theres a first.
Liam comes to visit Aria and its awkward, so Aria introduces Liam to Emily. When in doubt, introduce the lesbian.
Spencer goes to see her mom, with her bangs looking like Taylor Swifts fugly new cut. Spencers mom Is saying the polls are down, and idk she doesnt look that sick to me? Like shouldnt she look more sick? Like, if youre from Africa, why are you white?
Emily finds out her eggs were ruined by a power outage and that they were probs stolen. So shes poor and egg-less. What a life.
Hanna wakes up with millions of texts, and its like, she cant help it that shes so popular.
Jordan comes back with room service for Hanna, because of course hefty Han needs some nourishment. She opens the dish and it says Poor Jordie in the eggs and bacon. That seems intricate. Has A infiltrated the hotel kitchen now? Okay who manages all these fucking hotels? Also, LOL at Hanna being threatened with food. Sometimes the ones we love most hurt us the worst.
A note says the honeymoon is over and we all know, its about to be lit.
Spencer and Emily tell Ali about the golf club theory and Ali explains that it wasnt a club- its a hollow piece of metal with a rectangle at the end. Theyre like, , and bounce. Do these girls talk about anything other than murder and themselves?
Also, Liam told Aria to get more chapters from Ezra, so she lies and says she will. Shes like fuck, I gotta do all this accusing people of murder bullshit and now forge two chapters of a novel? Ugh #stressed.
Emily tells Hanna about her eggs being stolen and Hannas like aw, there there. Hanna tells Emily to stay in Rosewood and figure her shit out. Um, shes being investigated for a murder? I feel like staying in Rosewood was her only option at this point.
Hanna is like why does this A person want us to find Charlottes killer? And Emilys like because whoever did it probably did it for us. Duh Hanna, you fucking tard.
Also, were back to Emily dressing like a blind dyke. Seriously, can we get ONE episode where Shay Mitchell doesnt look like a trailer trash lesbian? Just ONE.
Jordan is like so, did Emily think something sketchy happened to her eggs? and Hanna has a full-on BF.
HANNA: IS IT BECAUSE SHES A WOMAN AND HORMONAL. THAT YOURE SAYING THAT? ARE YOU SAYING SHE IS PARANOID JORDAN?
JORDAN: uh no, Im saying youve been stalked by a murderer for half your life and its like, a semi good question.
Hanna eat a snickers, youre not yourself when you arent eating something constantly.
Hanna is like Jordan is like, well, shit happens.
Jordan tells her to go back to NYC and shes like Jordans like fuck Emily, lets gtfo. Jordan is me.
Spencer goes to spy on Mona, bad idea because Mona knows all. Spencer asks Mona if she told Yvonne to leave her phone at lunch to see if Spencer would steal it- which, lol, she did. Mona says she actually had Yvonne do that so Spencer would find something on the phone- her moms medical shit.
Mona is like I tried to tell you that your Mom was sick and they were gonna use it in the campaign, which according to Mona is wrong. Since when does Mona feel human emotions and have a conscience? Youre really losing your touch, Mona.
Mona figures out that Spencer didnt know her mom was sick and Spencer damn near starts crying in a coffee shop like a little bitch.
Liam is reviewing Ezras work, which is actually a sad handwritten book by Aria.
Aria is wearing a hot pink pant suit and a mustard colored blazer. She looks like a fucking Popsicle with legs. Oh, you poor colorblind little idiots in the Freeform wardrobe department. I will not rest until the stylist of this show is fired. I demand a change.
Liam says the book is really good and thats interesting because I didnt think Aria could even write, seeing as how most of her English education was spent boinking the teacher.
Liam says that there is a problem with it because there are switching viewpoints- one is the viewpoint of a fat, depressed pedophile and the other is a dumb bitch with a bob haircut. Both are equally shitty. Liam figures it out real quick that Aria wrote it and is like Liam is smart. Be like Liam.
Aria is like will Ezra get in trouble? and Liam is like, He tells her to finish the chapter anyway (?)
LIAM: btw have fun explaining this to Ezra.
ARIA: its fine Ill just blow him after and well be chill
Spencer is crying to Caleb and is like delete the file! and hes like, He says hes already breaking a bunch of laws rn. But hey, as Jordan would say, shit happens.
Caleb is like your mom has to go public with this story before the other campaign does it.” And its like, okay how is it that Caleb was the homeless troublemaker in high school and hes by far the smartest out of all of you? Like what did you morons do during your college years? Besides get heinous haircuts?
Hanna texts Caleb saying let me buy you a drink? And hes like, Okay, so maybe he isnt that smart.
Hanna and Caleb are at Radley getting turnt and Hanna is like I got Emilys eggs stolen, wah poor me, Im from Africa with all the little birdies and the monkies.
Caleb is talking about A and how Hanna can beat A because she is stronger and smarter. Really? Because shes unemployed and practically brain-dead.
Caleb starts talking about how he and Toby wanted to open a brewery but things changed once Caleb started fucking Tobys ex-girlfriend. Funny how that happens.
Is this supposed to be a sexual tension moment between Hanna and Caleb? Because its honestly just awkward. Caleb gets up and leaves a full fucking drink at the bar. Someone would legit have to be dying in order for me to leave a full drink. Id still probably pound the drink and drive to the hospital.
Flashback to when Hanna and Caleb were dating in New York. Hes in an alley playing with a fucking cat while Hanna is at a fashion show. Well you can put the boy in a home but you cant take the homeless out of the boy.
They are fighting and are like what do you want? What do you want? Its straight out of The Notebook or like any time Im deciding where to eat with my boyfriend. Caleb ends up leaving and I guess thats how they broke up. And I guess now shes on crack.
Emily is sipping tea when the police chief lady comes up and gives some bullshit small talk. The police chief is like, Yo, this lady is a straight up bitch though.
POLICE CHIEF: isnt that a funny statistic?
Emily: I dont know statistics. Or anything, really. I dont know anything.
Caleb comes into an elevator with Mona and is like He tells her that if she is messing with Spencer, hes gonna fuck her shit up. Exact quote.
Mona is like who kisses better, Hanna, Spencer, or me? and is anyone else like mildly feeling turned on right now? Like this is the most sexual scene Ive seen on this whole damn channel.
But ok, didnt Caleb say he didnt wanna break the law? I feel like stalking and threatening someone is totally a step in the wrong direction, but k.
Ali goes to Spencers house and starts telling Spencer about her love life, like any of us give a fuck. She tells Spencer about how her shitty bird-looking dad and older brother left her and Charlotte. All because Charlotte was a murderer, like ugh, whatever, so harsh.
Anyway, she fell in love with Doctor Snaggle-Tooth. How shitty is your life that you fall in love with someone whose tooth has their own fucking zip code. I mean seriously, that thing is huge and has shoved his way to the front of the line, if you know what I mean.
Ali is like we love each other and Spencer is like, its really inappropriate because hes your sisters doctor. UM NEWSFLASH: YOU FUCKED YOUR SISTERS FIANCE, YOUR BEST FRIEND FUCKED A TEACHER FOR 5 YEARS, YOUR OTHER BEST FRIEND FUCKED THE GIRL WHO TORTURED YOU ALL AND YOU ARE CURRENTLY FUCKING YOUR OTHER BEST FRIENDS EX-BOYFRIEND.
Ali wants to tell people about her and Snaggle-Tooth, and Im like I would hide that shit forever. Unless youre referring him to an orthodontist, I wouldnt want to even associate with him. Of course, Spencer tells her to do it.
Spencer goes to talk to her mom and Spencers mom starts talking about her midlife crisis and how she wishes she had done this sooner. Because running for political office sounds like a blast.
Spencers mom is like Im gonna win and Spencer agrees. You know A is watching this shit like lol NAHHH.
Ali goes to talk to Snaggle-Tooth and is like lets talk about us. And he pulls a frat boy move like uhhhh this is moving really quick, and I feel like we should probably slow down. Alis like shhhhh, take me to a movie and they start making out. Of course, As pervy little ass is watching the whole thing outside. Looking back at it, As seen some serious shit these past few seasons.
Aria and Hanna go to the batcave in Saras room, which everyone suddenly knows about, and hear a noise and decide to attack. They start fighting someone with the aggressiveness of a newborn Chihuahua. Seriously Ive seen better fights at a nursing home.
Emily is like I went to look for my eggs down there. Apparently they think Sara has an igloo cooler with reproductive organs in the cave.
Hanna and Aria tell Emily to use the money- ah, so she did get the money- to finish school and we all know that isnt gonna happen. Emily is like ugh, no one loves me and Im never gonna have babies! Yeah, thats pretty much what happens when you are an insufferable lesbian.
Spencer is drinking wine and waiting for Caleb when he gets home. He sensually pets her face and sexy music plays. Something is up. Whenever they play artsy music, you know shit is about to go down.
Ezra comes back and Aria is like Look, ok Im sorry I accused you of murder, my b. Wont happen again, until next season.
Ezra tells Aria that that he saw her parents the night charlotte was murdered and they asked him not to tell Aria. Then he went and got a pie, that is def showing through his shirt, and went home.
EZRA: I went to the store, got a latte, got a perm, went home and got in the shower.
ARIA: You got in the shower?
ME AT HOME: I think the fat guy has made it very clear that he got in the shower
Aria is like Okay, cause he was the wrong one. Wtf, Ezra actually does say sorry. Earth to all you single people- fights never go like this.
Ezra gives her the next three chapters to his book, the ones Aria has already written and shes like,
Spencer goes to check Melissas luggage for something, and finds that the luggage is broken and is missing a piece. A piece that is pretty much exactly what the murder weapon is described as. Death by suitcase? Alright Freeform Im sick of your shit.
The episode ends with A cleaning something, with some mighty large man-hands if I do say so myself.