The cast is getting back to their mansion after only getting one new match. Theyre like, hmmm do we suck at this? Yes. Yes, you do.
Austin is like and everyone is like, . They do what they do every fucking episode after they fail miserably in the match ceremony- they drink.
Meanwhile, Chelsey and Connor are in the honeymoon suite, which looks like any normal penthouse suite except with like a smidge of rose pedals and theyre like . Ugh, poor people problems.
Kayla is like This is what people whose husbands go to war must feel like. Kayla, you less hot Mila Kunis, its time to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.
Chuck and Kiki are flirting (barf) and Chuck is talking straight out of his ass. Of course Kiki is blindly agreeing. At this point Chuck could say he starts fires for fun and Kiki would be like ME TOO, CHUCK. ME TOO.
You can tell they are both totally hammered. I feel like 90% this show the castmates are just blacked out and the other 10% is them hungover AF trying to deal with Ryan Devlins shit. Goes on MTV show, becomes raging alcoholic. Its the circle of life.
Chuck: I AM SO EXCITED TO BE A DAD *eyes roll into back of his head, takes another shot* Im sure youll get some rando chick pregnant soon Chuck, dont fret. I have faith in you.
Kiki is like Kiki is like, such a good friend.
They meet Ryan on the beach and they are so excited. Theyre the peppiest bunch of losers Ive ever seen.
This week is a boys challenge, which is like ugh so boring. So the girls said something (most likely fucking stupid) and the boys have to stand behind the quote they like the most. Then they have to open a treasure chest, find a puzzle and put that shit together to see what girl it is. The winner gets an extra special prize, oh goody.
You know all their little brains are hurting over this complicated game and Austin is like THIS SHIT IS MY TIME TO SHINE.
Alec is like I need to get Stacey in to the truth booth with me so she will leave me the fuck alone. I want them to go so they get the match and get the fuck off my TV screen. I can only stare at Alecs rat face so much longer.
Devin sees the quote my first kiss was a girl and hes like SOLD. THATS MY MATCH. This is a friendly reminder to never forget that Devin is a fucking douche. Youre welcome.
Alec isnt getting the right key and hes getting really upset and throwing shit. Its like, okay simmer down there you guido hulk. Stop trying to pretend like you have an ounce of testosterone.
Its a close game but Chuck finishes first picking Kiki. Austin finishes second and gets Cheyenne. Austin is like, . Fair enough.
Nelson is like Chey and Austin aint a match YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW NELSON.
Ry Devs like Hawaii was built from volcanoes erupting and magma cooling down and everyone is like, Hunters dumbass barely passed 6th grade life science, he has no idea what the fuck is going on. They dont have volcanoes out on the farm, so they must not exist.
Anyway, the whole geology lesson was given so Kiki and Chuck could learn that their special prize is they get a helicopter ride. They act like they were just told theyll get to ride on a fucking magical unicorn- you can get a fucking helicopter tour off Groupon, you peasants.
Meanwhile, Austin and Cheyenne get to go to ice cream. LOLs.
Hannah immediately wants Kiki and Chuck out. Shes like I love Kiki, even though she is like, really fake. Thats the slyest insult of the season, Jamie would be so proud. But we all agree- getting Chuck and Kiki out would be killing two birds with one stone. Which ironically, is something Hunter has actually done out on the range before.
Hannah: Your make up looks really good on you, you dont even notice your skin problems.
Ryan is like yo, I know youre all upset because everyone you know and love is watching you act like an asshat on television- but Im going to make it better with an all night luau! THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, RYAN DEVLIN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Chuck and Kiki go on their stupid fucking helicopter date. Kiki is like I cant believe this is our life!!! LOLz, I remember my first time doing something that cost over $100. Their oohing and ahhhhing over waterfalls because its the little things that excite these two.
Meanwhile, Austin and Cheyenne are on their ice cream date that from an outsiders view looks like a really shitty tinder meetup. Seriously, Cheyenne and Austin look like they were held at gunpoint and forced to go on this date.
Austin is like,, and Cheyenne is like . Go meet Rashida! Rashida needs someone to love her, goddammit.
Austin tells Cheyenne about his dating flaws- which are essentially ghosting whenever he sees a trait in someone he doesnt like. Cheyenne is like I hate people like you, Austin. I would agree with Cheyenne, but I cant exactly speak from experience because I have no bad traits. Its a blessing and curse, really.
Chuck and Kiki have and awkward picnic where they are like I want to kiss you, but I dont. Oh dont play coy Chuck, you fucked a girl last week on a goddamn park bench.
Chuck is like Ive been to a luau but none like this. Thats because this isnt a luau, its a fucking Hawaiian themed orgy. Thats like calling a frat house Toga Party a celebration of Greek History. No. Its a party where people wear no clothes and end up having sex in the chapter room. Lets cut the bullshit.
Zak/Bae is like I want a girl who is down for anything which is code for anal. Zak starts flirting with Hannah and Cheyenne is like . Nelsons over there giggling to himself.
Nelson: I knew this was gonna happen *sips tea* but thats none of my business
Hannah and Zak take a page out of Britnis book and start being sexually forward and making out on a lawn chair. Im sensing a theme this season- making outdoor furniture sexy.
Chuck is like Ok, Hannahs out so, Im gonna flirt with Kiki and Kiki is like honestly, he seems like such a nice guy. Oh Kiki. Beautiful, stupid, little Kiki. Devin is a little jealous and hes like, . Okay Devin, dont get your fucking panties in a knot.
Zak and Hannah decide to skinny-dip because MTV has a quota they need to meet of naked people in bodies of water per season. They make out on the beach and God is above them nodding his head in acceptance, because this is what the good lord fucking intended.
Britni goes to the bar and is like You realize youre still in the United States right? Like, just because they are browner than you doesnt mean they are Mexican.
Chuck is like everything was going so good with Kiki, but then I remembered Im a cheating dickfuck and got roped in by Britni. Ugh I always hate sequels and this is just round 2 of the Britni/Chuck saga. Britni sinks her little fang-like teeth into Chuck and they start making out in front of Kiki, who is crying alone at the bar. There is so much deju vu happening rn.
Kiki: My perfect match would treat me with respect (funny, your best friend Hannah said that last week)
Kiki confronts Chuck and hes like Britni offered a lap dance and I couldnt say no, I mean thats just rude. Kayla comes in and is like are you being a dick, Chuck? Does a bear shit in the woods, Kayla? Chuck leaves, probably to go find Britni and bone on an outdoor seating arrangement somewhere.
Kiki is like, well that was a bust- Devin way over Kikis shit and is like, gtfo. Kiki is fumbling on her words in order to keep Devin around
Kiki: But I like you, uh I like you so much, Dev uh please.
Meanwhile, Zak and Hannah escape to the boom-boom room where Im sure theyre having a nice long talk about their values. The Boom-Boom room is so season two. All the cool kids fuck on the patio these days!
Also, Tyler and Melanie are actually having a heartfelt conversation without alcohol- awwww I remember the 9th grade.
Surprise, surprise. Its Chuck and Kiki to the truth booth. Kiki might as well just move her bed to the fucking truth booth.
Devin tells Kiki laterz baby and they send those two fuckwads on their way. Everyone is like, this determines the game because if they are a match then everyone else is wrong. Ehhh, not sure it determines the game but okay.
Devin says the REAL TRUE QUOTE of the night and is like . WOAH. Someone has been playing way too much Grand Theft Auto. Everyone is like
But then, when we learn that Chuck and Kiki ARENT A MATCH, Devin throws a table. Where do they find all these man-child people who throw tantrums? Seriously MTV, your casting director has some issues.
The cast mates are like we have no fucking idea whats going on.Yeah, we know.
Rashida tells Kiki not to talk to Devin because he said some fucked up stuff and Kiki is like, . Devin starts yelling about how he doesnt wanna be here, he hates everyone, that he said he didnt want salmon four times, and this TV show is horseshit!!!!
Later, all the boys are talking strategy. Ive seen better ideas come out of a fucking kindergarten classroom. Austin, the betchy/semi-smart one out of the group, is like, yo let me handle this.
Alec tries to explain the strategy but gets distracted by some French fries in the distance and loses his train of thought. Get it together, former-fat bro.
THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY
Its the boys choice tonight and they have a strategy cooking that I have 100% faith will fail. Dont let me down boys.
Chuck is first and he picks Freckles/Amanda, because they are friends. LAME.
Tyler is up next and hes like I have this amazing connection with Mel, I like her so much! and Ryan Devlin is like FANTASTIC!!! THE QUICKER YOU FIGURE THIS OUT, THE QUICKER I GET PAID! WHO IS YOUR MATCH?
And Tyler, whose brain cells have clearly just started dying within the past few weeks in Kona picks Hannah. SERIOUSLY. Everyone is like, wtf dude? Tyler is like,
Zak picks Kayla, since Tyler really dicked him by stealing Hanz.
Austin picks Cheyenne because idk has Austin even spoken to any other girl?
Hunter picks Britni. Again, that whole two bird, one stone thing applies here.
Alec took a break from being a giant vagina and bitching about Stacey this week and actually PICKED her. They call each other Mom and Dad and its like, ew please do not insult my parents like that.
Nelson picks Kiki and Ryan Dev is like Kiki, so far no one likes you, how do you feel? She explains how her and Devin are over and Devin says, straight out of the notebook,
Devin picks Rashida. Poor Rashida. #prayforRashida
Mike and Melanie are left- the stripper and the girl with daddy issues. Those go hand in hand, right?
Austin is like, God we need this otherwise everyone is going to fucking murder me. And hes right. They probably will. Good news for Austin, they dont get a blackout.
Bad news for Austin: THEY GET TWO MATCHES. Sleep with an eye open, Austin.
They are six episodes in and have yet to break 5 matches. Thank god you all are pretty, cause you sure aint smart.