You’re home for the holidays. Yourchildhood friends convince you to go out for a night on the town (and by night on the town, I am obviously referring to one inappropriate, drunk night at the local bar you’ve been attending since you were 16 years old).
Who will be there? Well, obviously three of your closest friends in the world… plus about 57 people you have actively made an effort to lose touch with: Jen Baker, the overly clingy best friend you worked so hard to phase out sophomore year of high school; Rick Schwartz, the kid with the crazy gross warts you avoided dancing with at cotillion lessons in the eighth grade; Amanda Smith, the beautiful b*tch who made your life a living hell. You know, people like that.
And then, of course, you will see Him. No, I am not referring to God. I am referring to the mortal who might as well have been your God during the most formative years of your life. He’s your very first crush.
Suddenly, no matter how big of a freeloading loser he is — and no matter how successful and beautiful you KNOW you are — you find yourself suddenly in middle school again. You can feel your heart racing as you revert right back to the same awkward, creepy 12-year-old who has trouble formulating sentences in his presence.
And your thoughts sound something like this:
1. OMG, is that him?
2. No, it cant be him.
3. Thats his fat older brother.
4. Let me check on Facebook.
5. OMG its absolutely him.
6. Adam Jones, love of my adolescent life
7. Is now a fat guy with a receding hairline?
8. I guess he peaked when I stopped liking him. BALLIN’!
9. Is that real fat or, like, adorably chubby?
10. Is adorably chubby a thing?
11. Ugh, why am I still attracted to him?!?
12. Like, my loins are kind ofburning.
15. Candice, LOOK at who your loins are burning for.
16. Okay, get it together.
17. Decision time.
18. Do I talk to him?
19. No, why would I talk to him?
20. OMG, why am I overanalyzing this so much?!
21. Of COURSE I should talk to him hes my childhood friend!
22. whose name I regularly doodled in my notebook.
23. Okay, whatever, its been YEARS.
24. OMG, wait — is that HIM coming over to talk to ME!?
25. Okay. Breathe, Candice, breathe.
26. Why am I still nervous?!
27. You are cool, you are confident, you are smart, and you are — most importantly — NOT 12 anymore.
28. All right, shut the f*ck up. Hes two feet away from you.
29. Hmm… how can I convince him to take a selfie with me right now?
30. Like, is the embarrassment of snapping a picture with him worth the endless laughs Ill get from my friends?
31. Answer to that is obviously “yes.”
32. What do I caption it on Snapchat?
33. ADAM F*CKING JONES
34. Yeah, thatll be funny.
35. Okay, yes, he just called you Kayla, but thats fine. Roll with it.
36. He knows who you are!
37. That was just a classic mixup
38. Or was it?
39. When I was slaving over my notebooks doodling his name, did he even know mine?!
40. THERE WERE ONLY 21 PEOPLE IN OUR GRADUATING CLASS!!!!
41. HOW could he possibly not know my name?!
42. OMG,did he just spill his drink on me?!
44. So he is fat, has a receding hairline AND cant hold his liquor.
45. BUT maybe this explains the whole not-knowing-my-name thing.
46. OMG, and maybe hes also drunk enough to not notice me quickly taking a lil pic of me smooching him on the cheek.
47. OK, so he definitely was not drunk enough for that
48. BUT GOT DA PIC!!!!!!!!!!
49. Do I group-text it or Snap it?
50. Group text.
51. And Snap.
52. Yep, both.
53. This is worthy of both.
54. OMG,am I seriously crushing this hard again?
55. Like, why am I trying to brag about being with Adam Jones?
56. Okay stop thinking about your feelings and start focusing on the convo.
57. Oh my Lord, he is such a loser.
58. Of COURSE he is taking some time to figure things out.
59. Code for “I dropped out because Im a low-key drug addict, and I know Ill eventually inherit Dads company anyways.”
61. How did THIS kid turn me down?
62. Maybe hes gay
63. Hes got to be gay.
64. Who did he even hook up with when we were growing up?!
65. Amanda Smith. OK, yeah,she was the hottest girl in our class, but also, she would be the PERFECT beard.
66. Wow, I cant believe hes figuring this out.
67. But shoot… he still is pretty funny.
68. And he still has that cute smile
69. Oh f*ck, I am crushing hard.
70. On this sloppy, drunk, fat loser with a receding hairline
71. Do I tell him how into him I was in middle school?
72. It could be one of those cute, endearing stories that he finds adorable
73. It could also be one of those terrifying stories that he finds as cause for a restraining order
74. Yeah, OK, maybe dont tell him.
75. OK, shoot, its happening. The words are coming out of my mouth.
76. OMG Candice, stop the mouth diarrhea, PLEASE.
77. He does not need to know about the time you went home crying after you saw him and Amanda holding hands
78. NOBODY needs to know that.
79. Okay, well now he knows that.
80. Shut the f*ck up.
82. Just stop talking. Make the words stop coming out of your mouth.
83. OMG,wait is he leaning in to kiss you?
84. He totally is!!
85. F*ck ya!!
86. Okay wait — do you really want to do this?
87. He IS disgusting
88. Thats true, but he also was the first male to make you realize you are an adult being with sexual impulses, and for THAT you have to thank him.
89. Forget it. You have to do this for 12-year-old Candice.
90. Okay hes not even THAT good of a kisser.
91. That Amanda Smith was always such a liar.
92. All right,who am I kidding? Best kisser.
93. Do I go home with him?
94. No! I kissed him thats enough.
95. OMG, hes kissing me again..
96. Yes, I have to. Hes so f*cking hot.
97. Nope, definitely not gay.