Most movie mashups suck. Alien Vs. Predator was made by people with zero respect for either original monster, and Freddy Vs. Jason is such a disaster that I honestly couldn’t tell you if I’ve never seen it, or I did see it and my brain blocked it out like a traumatic memory with a drunk uncle. But I think I’ve figured out the problem: These movies are made by people who are trying to make movies that fit in both franchises rather than the horrifying, psychotically cruel abominations that would result from such an unholy coupling. Which is why I humbly submit that I’m the only asshole in the world who’s enough of a jerk to say that we should make a movie about …
#4. Lt. Ellen Ripley From Aliens Vs. Freddy Krueger From A Nightmare On Elm Street
Freddy Krueger is the dream-demon star of the Nightmare On Elm Street series of films. His murder method is to invade dreams and murder the dreamer, kind of like Inception, but way more badass, because in the Nightmare world, being murdered in a dream means you die in real life. Sometimes by being sucked into a bed-blender and blasted onto the ceiling.
Lt. Ellen Ripley is the sole survivor of the Nostromo tragedy, in which an unidentified alien organism popped out of her buddy’s chest and proceeded to kill the ever-loving hell out of every single one of her crew-mates. Though she’s haunted by the experience, she demonstrates incredible resourcefulness, grace under pressure, and the strength to do whatever it takes to survive.
Or, ya know, not.
While this looks like a pretty intense match-up at first, it’s actually extremely one-sided: Krueger can only attack Ripley through her dreams, and Ripley’s dreams are full of murderous insectoid aliens with acid blood. You might think that Freddy can control them, but I beg to differ: In A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, we learn that dreamers can use their memories and fantasies to their advantage, and I’m pretty sure the traumatic memory of an alien attack is more powerful than Freddy’s weird and poorly explained magic. So, in the mashup, titled A Nightmare On The Sulaco, we see …
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – NIGHT
A MAN in a red and green sweatshirt and fedora slowly makes his way down the hallway, backlit by fluorescent lights in a really scary way. Fans of the horror know him as FREDDY KRUEGER, the DREAM DEMON who BLENDED JOHNNY DEPP IN A BED. People who aren’t fans of horror think he’s a MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVIST who shops at GOODWILL.
FREDDY drags his METAL CLAWS against the wall dramatically. There are SPARKS, even though that’s highly unlikely.
Krueger’s claws are made out of the same stuff as Marty McFly’s skateboard.
(a voiceover; we can hear his thoughts)
Aww yeah. Creepy hospital? In what looks like space? And my claws are straight sparking? This is a good dream. Everything’s coming up Freddy.
Down the hall, we hear a WOMAN SCREAM. Fans of horror recognize the voice as ELLEN RIPLEY, hero of the ALIEN franchise. People who aren’t fans of horror are still totally out of the loop on this one. Not even sure why they’re in the theater, to be honest. The Intern is playing next door; maybe they should go see that.
(actually talking, referring to the scream)
Music to my ears.
(his thoughts again)
Freddy bounds down the hospital hallway like an EXCITED PUPPY and BURSTS INTO THE HOSPITAL ROOM, where we catch the tail end of THIS DREAM.
FREDDY is sorta taken aback. His plans to SLASH AT PEOPLE and QUIP seem sorta lame now.
The alien BURSTS out of Ripley’s chest. It’s horrifying. Freddy feels kinda extraneous and turns to leave, but the HOSPITAL HALLWAY has transformed into the hallway at HADLEY’S HOPE, otherwise known as THE PLACE WHERE ALL THE STUFF IN ALIENS HAPPENS.
INT. THE PLACE WHERE ALL THE STUFF IN ALIENS HAPPENS – NIGHT
Instantly, dozens of ALIENS are coming out the walls. FREDDY claws at one of them, and the streaks of blood MELT HIS CLAWS OFF. A bunch of the ALIENS hiss at him. He SCREAMS LIKE A BABY, transforms into the MONSTER WORM from DREAM WARRIORS, only SMALLER, and scurries pitifully off to safety. He CRIES for several hours in a corner somewhere. Until …
RIPLEY steps out from behind a hallway. Behind her is HICKS and NEWT, alive, because this is a dream. Fans of Aliens in the audience SCREAM AND CLAP WITH DELIGHT until their hands are BLOODY STUMPS.
Looks like another colonist made it. He’s badly burned, though.
Get him up. We have to keep moving.
Yes. It’ll be dark soon. And they mostly come at night.
The AUDIENCE SCREAMS SO HARD they FUCKING ASPHYXIATE. The THEATER is filled with DEAD PEOPLE by the time the movie ends. It’s like The Fucking Stand in there.
Ripley spends the whole movie keeping Freddy alive, until at the end he learns the true meaning of friendship and sacrifices himself to blast the queen alien out of the airlock. “Tell my story, Ripley,” he tearfully whispers through the glass as the compartment prepares to depressurize. “Tell them of the man I became, in the end.”
“I will,” she promises. Then she wakes up and completely forgets everything that happened. She only remembers the first half of the dream, where the alien was in her chest at the hospital, and the rest of Aliens proceeds as normal.
#3. Damien From The Omen Vs. Death From Final Destination
In The Omen, Damien Thorn lives up to his obviously evil name by being the son of Satan and brings about the deaths of those who oppose him by causing ridiculous accidents, like sudden storms that scare a priest toward a church only to be impaled by a falling lightning rod like a particularly devout shish kabob. Or making a truck’s parking brake slip, allowing it to roll down a hill and decapitate a photographer with one of the sheets of glass it’s been carrying around.
This movie is fucking rad.
In Final Destination, five sexy teenagers and a gross middle-aged person narrowly escape death when their plane explodes without them on it. They quickly learn that Death’s supervisor is a stickler for meeting quotas. So one by one the characters die in cartoonishly convoluted ways. The best is probably the woman whose coffee mug cracks, thereby leaking a trail of vodka from her stove to her computer, which explodes when it gets wet, shooting a piece of glass from the monitor into her neck, causing her to stumble back into the kitchen while the explosion from the computer lights the trail of vodka, which leads back to the bottle of vodka, which then explodes, because sure. None of that ends up mattering, though, because in an attempt to tourniquet her freshly aerated throat, the poor woman accidentally knocks a carving knife into her chest. Then a shelf collapses, pressing the carving knife that extra quarter-inch it needed to go to kill her.
Then some guy shows up and helps not at all.
In the movie mashup, titled Final DestinOmen, Damien “The Antichrist” Thorn suffers a strange premonition about being crushed to death underneath a giant corrugated metal heart and bails on the Justin Bieber concert at the last minute, then battles absurd Rube Goldberg machines of death in what would undoubtedly play out as a 90-minute parody of a movie about OSHA compliance.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
DAMIEN THORN, also known as THE ANTICHRIST, is wearing a My Chemical Romance sweatshirt and has earbuds in, because this screenwriter went to college in the MID-2000s and this is what he thinks a BAD KID would be like. It’s been three weeks since Damien skipped out on the Bieber concert, so he’s dodged like 12 improbable deaths by now and knows to stay away from dangerous situations. But the abandoned construction site shaves four and a half minutes off his walk home, so fuck it.
Around him, all kinds of DANGEROUS SITUATIONS are happening. a TAXI DRIVER is arguing with an ANNOYING WEALTHY PASSENGER on the street next to the construction site. On the roof of the apartment building to Damien’s left, a CIRCUS CLOWN practices his FLAMING CHAINSAW JUGGLING right at the EDGE OF THE ROOF. On the second floor of the same apartment building, a CRAZY VIETNAM VET is loading his CANNON because let’s play into the “crazed veteran” stereotype. Outside the apartment building’s lobby, a HIPSTER smokes a CIGARETTE next to his GOTH GIRLFRIEND, who is carrying in her purse a collection of VINTAGE GRENADES FROM WORLD WAR II because everyone has a thing and that’s hers. On the roof of the neighboring building, a drunk man balances a GRAND PIANO on ONE LEG, right next to the edge.
CRAZY PIANO GUY
Yes … yes … perfect.
INT. SEWERS BENEATH DAMIEN’S FEET – DAY
CIVIC EMPLOYEES LARRY and ISHMAEL debate what to do with the RUPTURED PIPE leaking EXPLOSIVE NATURAL GAS.
I say we just let it out. I mean, how much natural gas can we really have?
Are you nuts? The mayor will have our ass!
What’re the odds that it’ll blow? For this to be a problem there’d have to be somebody smoking cigarettes up top! Who smokes cigarettes in this day and age?
I suppose you’re right, Larry. Say, you wanna cigarette?
They’re both about to light up when suddenly Larry smacks the lighter out of BUB’S hands.
Hey, what’re you doing? You want this whole place to blow up?
He SMACKS HIM ON THE HEAD. It’s a CHARMING BUT KINDA STUPID MOMENT, and we LIKE THESE CHARACTERS.
EXT. TOP OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
Suddenly, at the top of the construction site, we see a BOLT in a GIANT METAL T-BAR come loose, and the bar shoots down toward Damien’s head!
But Damien is too quick: He looks up and “AVE SATANI” starts playing.
Some of the NATURAL GAS from the SEWER drifts up and connects with the CIGARETTE in the HIPSTER’S MOUTH. The explosion fills the sewer with fire, giving THOSE CHARACTERS WE LIKE a swift but violent and painful death. The blast also launches a MANHOLE COVER into the air, deflecting the STEEL T-BAR into the apartment with the CANNON, which is deflected toward the ceiling and immediately explodes, launching a cannonball up to the roof, where it obliterates the CHAINSAW JUGGLER and sends several of the CHAINSAWS tumbling down toward Damien’s head. Then the Hipster’s girlfriend’s VINTAGE WORLD WAR II grenades explode, shooting the spinning death-machines back up to the roof, where they destabilize the PIANO THAT WAS BALANCED THERE FOR NO REASON, which falls toward Damien. Again, “AVE SATANI” starts playing and the ANGRY TAXI DRIVER turns to shout at the ANNOYING WEALTHY PASSENGER and smacks into a 1992 HONDA PRELUDE, which sends him hurtling through the air, deflecting the piano and saving Damien’s life.
This whole scene takes up 7.4 seconds of screen time. The entire movie is like this.
It’ll be left ambiguous. You don’t go to these kinds of films for closure.
#2. Detective Mills From Se7en Vs. Hannibal Lecter From Silence Of The Lambs
Detective Mills is the hot-headed young detective in Se7en whose chief talents are losing his temper at serial killers and wearing disfiguring facial wounds like an absolute boss.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter is the exact opposite in every way: As an older, patient, genius cannibal doctor, Lecter’s main power is getting the drop on people and managing to psychologically destroy them.
Let’s see how that works out if they have to work together.
INT. PRISON CELL – DAY BUT YOU CAN’T TELL BECAUSE IT’S PRISON
DETECTIVE MILLS is seated outside HANNIBAL LECTER’S cell. He passes him a sheet of paper.
Oh, Detective Mills, you think you can dissect me with this blunt little tool?
Hm? I’m sorry, I don’t-
A census-taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
A nice what?
A … a Chianti.
It’s a wine.
Oh. And what kinda beans did you say?
Right. I’ve been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out. When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you’re insane? Maybe you’re just sitting around, reading Guns And Ammo, masturbating in your own feces — do you just stop and go, “Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!” Yeah. Do you guys do that?
Quid pro quo, Mr. Mills. You ask a question, I ask a question, you get an answer, and maybe-
(in a taunting voice)
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! Christ almighty.
MILLS gets up to leave.
Never fucking mind.
Mills would shoot Lecter in the head 20 minutes into the movie, before the guy even got out of the jail cell, because he couldn’t stand his shit. “We really should’ve given him more than a week off after they found his wife’s head in a box,” R. Lee Ermey would say to Morgan Freeman. Roll credits. Howard Shore does the music.
#1. The Counselors Of Camp Crystal Lake From Friday The 13th Vs. The Follower From It Follows
Camp Crystal Lake is, for the uninitiated, the home of the Voorhees family of Friday The 13th fame. In the first film, Mama Voorhees kills counselors whenever they have sex, because her son Jason drowned at the camp while the counselors decided to have sex instead of watch him. In later films, Jason Voorhees comes back to continue his mother’s work and kill teenagers who are actually having sex or have otherwise made it clear that they think fondly of the act.
The demon from It Follows slowly, patiently stalks whoever is “cursed,” and the only way to pass on this curse is to have sex with someone, at which point the It Follows monster (which I’m just going to call “The Follower”) will start following them. When it kills one of them, then it just moves back up the chain, until everyone who has ever had sex is dead.
Half the tension in It Follows comes from the fact that Jay, the protagonist, doesn’t wanna just fuck random dudes and sacrifice them to save her own skin. She and her friends are realistic characters and have realistic sexual relationships with each other, so The Follower spends most of the time following her. The Camp Crystal Lake folks don’t have this problem. They fuck like meth-addicted rabbits on an oyster farm.
EXT. CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE – NIGHT
We focus on the THE FOLLOWER. It looks like JAI COURTNEY because when no one is looking at it that’s the shape it feels most comfortable in. Something about the strong cheekbones, assertive nose-angle, and Australian charm just makes it feel confident. In the distance, the sexy camp counselor STACY sneaks into a cabin. JAI COURTNEY makes his way closer.
Seconds — literally seconds — later we hear that sexy counselor getting nasty.
Oh Jim! Oh Jim yes! Oh Jim I’m almost there!
She’s TOTALLY NOT. But that is of no concern to JAI COURTNEY. After 136 seconds of sex, she sneaks away, and THE FOLLOWER has found a new target: JIM.
Then JIM sneaks out of his own cabin and heads to MELANIE’s. Moments later, the same sounds begin.
Oh JIM! I’m having a stupendous time!
JAI COURTNEY adjusts his direction again, heading toward MELANIE now as JIM sneaks back to his cabin. This would be irritating if JAI COURTNEY weren’t an EMOTIONLESS MURDERER OF PROMISCUOUS TEENAGERS.
But then MELANIE sneaks out and heads toward TOBIAS’ tent, where they again have AWKWARD MOVIE SEX that is ALMOST LIKE NORMAL SEX but DISTRACTINGLY DIFFERENT in a way that’s TOUGH TO PUT YOUR FINGER ON.
(screaming in ecstasy)
You’re putting so many orgasms in me!
I’ve already used up every single SFW frame from a Friday movie in this article.
JAI COURTNEY stops walking for a second. He pulls out his MOLESKINE NOTEBOOK where he keeps track of his POTENTIAL TEENAGE MURDER VICTIMS. He sees that Tobias was already on his list from when he slept with Stacy three nights ago. If he kills Tobias now, then even in the best-case scenario he’s going to have to skip someone later down the road.
JAI COURTNEY looks up and sees TOBIAS sneaking over toward JENNIFER’s tent. Ugh, JENNIFER has already slept with like three-quarters of the staff, plus a few of the older campers’ parents. He realizes he needs to make a chart of some kind.
JAI COURTNEY turns around and heads back into the woods toward town, hoping he can find an arts-and-crafts store.
Summer ends and everyone goes home before The Follower is able to figure out who he’s supposed to murder.